written on 20 Feb
at 2144 hrs

*Care to share your time with me? Would you say you're feeling low and so a good idea would be to get it off your mind?* -Dave Matthews

Man and I finally made plans to hang out tonight. Leave it to my family [and our wonderful sense of timing] to fuck it all up.

Mom walks into sister's room no more than 30 seconds before we walk out the door and says, "What are you guys going to do about your dad?" Alison said, "I don't know what to do." I said, "I don't want to do anything." I don't want to send him flowers. I don't want to stop by the hospital and see how he's doing. I don't want to get all wrapped up in his being sick.

I know this is a big deal. I know that my decision now is going to stick with me for however long I live. I know that this is the crux of my relationship with him.

And I also know [even though my sister would doubt this] that my decision to not step in and be the bigger person has nothing to do with any anger or betrayal I feel as a result of how he treated me. I don't care that he wasn't there when I was in the hospital. I don't care that he wasn't at our graduations, or that the last time I heard from him/saw him was August of 2000 before I went away to Mesa. The proverbial lines were drawn way before I was old enough to understand, and I'm not going to feel bad for staying on my side of the line.
Alison has always been his baby girl. She's always been daddy's little girl, and I've always been the one who could take him with a grain of salt. I never put much stock into him; well, not after I was old enough to understand what I had to lose by believing in words.

I'm not going to go and pretend like I feel bad. I'm not gonna go over there and sit with him and pretend like that's the type of relationship we have, or the type that either of us wants.

If this had never happened, who knows how long we all would have stayed in our respective corners. Part of me wishes God would leave me the fuck alone and back off for a while. And part of me is thankful that I we have come to the crossroads now.

I just keep thinking, "Did he tell Kerry?" [Kerry is my other sister. See how important she is in my life?] Probably not, because that's what kind of shitty logic my dad has. Tell the two closest and leave the other one in the dark. [God knows if they even talk, so I shouldn't really be judging.]

Mom's okay with my decision to stay out of it. I'll give it some more consideration, but barring any outside interference I'll be home next Thursday while my sister is up at Lutheran making sure he's okay.

I'm 22, and I've made a lot of shitty decisions over the last four years. [Some of which I regret.] This is the first time I feel like I'm not pushing my own agenda. Like I'm not getting someone back or "showing" them who's tougher. I'm just doing what I feel will be best for me in the long run.

Somehow I think that should warrant more than another night as a little red-haired girl curled up in bed, too afraid to sleep and unable to understand consciousness.