written on 06 May
at 1800 hrs

*He said "I love you, and I always will." She caught her breath; her heart stood still. They'll always be together. At least until the world turns. She went to college; he stayed home. Talked every night on the telephone, but love can't live on words alone when the world turns.* -tr

Wow. We had our end of the year banquet this afternoon/evening, and I don't know what to say. I'm half crying, half smiling.

The experiences of this year, all my memories, just pounded my heart with force like I've never felt before. Our first hall council meeting, outside with the cops on campus and Garrett Michael flirting with the ladies. My first time meeting Val. The first time I went to Stites for help. The first drive home with Amanda. The first time BJ held my hand in public. The first Mario Kart marathon with the boys. The van ride to IACURH, talking to Stiles about Matchbox Twenty's evolution in music. Hall council's programs, CRA's programs, RLS' programs. The tears and the laughter and the shouting and the whispers and the secrets and the signs. Everything hitting me all the sudden, forcing me to recognize the end of the year.

Our hall council won Hall Council of the Year. We busted our asses for that award. Pinon had such a bad reputation, and I think we helped that a little bit. We fought and we sometimes felt unmotivated, but we stuck together. We stuck it out.

Bal won hall council member of the year. Of course she did. Of course she is. She's dedicated and happy and fun to work with. She was also inducted into National Residence Hall Honorary (NRHH.)

Pinon won Best Community Service Program for Stick It To The Staff™ in December. Matt won for RA of the Year. Overall, it was an awesome day for our hall.

I feel better now, but have a feeling I'll start crying again once I write the next couple paragraphs.

Craig got up and gave a speech as he is one of seven graduating seniors on staff. He's an awesome speaker. He's passionate and funny. He talked about socks and their metaphorical relation life. He talked about what's important in college, and in life. And at the end of his speech he said something like, "And college isn't lived, life isn't lived, if you haven't found some ..." And where the periods are he named off some people.

And I guess, for me, college isn't college without the Valerie Pleiss' or the Amanda Peterson's or the Erin Stites' or the Matt Dahl's or the Kelli Rehder's or the Melody Drake's or the Garret Michael Branson's or the Craig Engstrom's. Especially the Craig Engstrom's. Because they remind me that life is just life, but people are more.

And, as he had in our speech during training, Craig moved me to tears. A big part of my closeness with him has somehow slipped away into my memories and journal entries, but I thought right then...what will it be like without him next year? Who will be next year's Craig? Who will be my next Craig?

I've never been good at good-byes. Even when I left high school, which was arguably the best day of my life, I felt some sadness, some twinge of guilt for leaving behind the pain and anger. And even though this isn't a good-bye, isn't even close, it is an ending. It's the end of a chapter in my college life, and it's sad. I'd like to find the people I need to find and hug them and tell them the things I need to say and cry if I need to cry, but I wouldn't be able to express the emotion I'm trying to convey.

And in that group of people tonight, surrounded by RAs and Desk Attendants and Hall Council members and CRA members, I recognized that there was no competition. It didn't matter who won or who lost, because everyone in there is important. And as there was no competition, there was no shame or embarrassment. When a gigantic picture of me with curlers and a robe and slippers on was put up on the auditorium wall during our slide show, it didn't matter, because no one in there even cared. We've all been there, in some form or another, before.

This completes my third year of college, but the first that I've ever really learned anything. The things I've learned are too many to name, but I think the most important is names. Learn names. It's the easiest thing you can do for someone, learning his/her name, but it--often times--is the most important.

Names and a sense of humor. That's all you need.

Sometimes, it's all there is.