written on 02 Sep
at 1235 hrs

I'm being very pessimistic about any trip to Virginia that may or may not happen 31 days from now. I'm still wary about putting all my hope and positive energy into something like that again. When Matt called Thursday, for the third time, it was all I could do to make words come out of my mouth. His voice, much softer than usual and choked with tears, made me want to die. "So I guess you should just cancel your ticket for now." And my immediate reaction, bred from years of let-downs and people unworthy of my trust, was to get pissed. I was angry, but not at him. I was upset and dismayed and lost. I should have cried with him and then been with him as he began to plan Plan B.

But instead I went home and cried. I stormed into my room, threw open the bag I had half packed and began clawing things out of it. Cussing and throwing things, all in an attempt to make the reality of not seeing him in a day hurt a little less.

And even now, half a week later, the wounds haven't healed. I don't feel comfortable allowing myself to be excited about the prospect of seeing him. Because, if for some reason it doesn't happen, I couldn't take that kind of let down again. I honestly couldn't and wouldn't be okay with feeling that kind of pain again. And I know that isn't fair to him. I know it's not okay of me to half ass my way through this. I know it's as hard on him as it is on me, and I know he hasn't let the events of the last few days hamper in any way his plans to get to me. I'm not built like he is, though. I don't believe love triumphs over everything, and I don't believe that if we're meant to be somehow it will work out. I believe in car accidents and cancelled hotel reservations and dreams that were washed away amid downpours in Denver this weekend. I believe in tickets to concerts and football games that will be given away because he'll still be 1,800 miles away. I believe that I'll be attending weddings alone because, you know, sometimes shit just doesn't work out.

Obviously I'm still super bitter over this entire mess. I pray that God will show me what to do. I pray that His strength will find my heart and that I'll be able to hold on. Most of all, I pray that He's with Matt right now, since I can't be.

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