written on 03 Apr
at 1030 hrs

*i'm already there* -lonestar

man...so much weird shit has happened lately. so much sad stuff.
BJ and i decided to end stuff at the end of the year. i'm, obviously, very sad about that. but we both agree it's what's best. it's hard, and it's going to really suck, but it's for the best.
i think it's going to be a lot harder for me, 'cuz i don't think he realizes like, how much he's really improved my life. he's such a positive influence. and our relationship was (is, damnit!) definitely positive and fun. i think that's why it sucks so much to think of not waking up and knowing he'll be around to make me smile.
and ben and i aren't talking right now. we both agreed to that, too. just 'cuz he keeps asking questions, and i keep letting him down with my answers. so, until i can stop hurting him, we've decided to sort of stay away from each other. and i think we're okay with that. it sucks, 'cuz like, that's one less friend i have to talk to about things...but when my talking is making him sad, i'd rather just stay away.
mocksie took her diary off password. i can understand why she had to put it there for a while. sometimes it's just too much knowing that everyone can read everything.
i guess noah isn't very happy with the fact that i don't like to talk to him right now. not even that i don't want to talk to HIM. it's just that i don't want to talk about what's wrong. about how sad i am. 'cuz if i talk about it with too many people, i'm going to focus on the sadness and the pain...and that just isn't me.
he told me the other day that i'm still as confused as the day i told him i needed some time alone. i'd rather be confused than insensitive.